Rain Rain Rain

The last two days were beautiful it was raining and just looking amazing outside. Last night's sunset was gorgeous. I love the rain and we never get enough of it. Today at work I am sitting here a little bored out of my mind its been kind of busy all week and I got all my work done early again. I tend to fly through my work its nuts. I am still doing wonderfully with my frame of mind. Christ is at the forefront of it and what else could i ask for? I have enjoyed this nice weather as well for the fact that my dad loves to bust out the fireplace :) it makes it all cozy in the living room. I love the fireplace being lit. I tend to imagine myself away in a nice quiet part of the woods living in a log cabin enjoying hot coco and peppermint snapps reading a good book in an over sized chair. Ah the peace that would be there. With the quiet pitter patter of the raindrops on the roof allowing them tranquilize the soul. Nothing better than a good quiet moment to yourself to reminisce over the good times. The occasional crackle of the wood in the fire, and the quiet hiss that flows as the air creeps through the cracks of the logs in the flame. Fire is such and interesting thing to stare at you never see the same movement twice out of it. It flows so freely and yet can be so destructive in so many ways. Its much like our tongue as the Bible says we can use it in so many ways and it can hurt just as fast. Being an encourager is much more satisfying. It can make everyone feel better about who they are. I think we all have that friend we can call that just knows how to make us smile or to make us not feel bad about ourselves... ever checked to see if was you?

Just writing for fun.

The time seems to be passing at a snails pace and the light on the outside world seems to be getting brighter. Oh for the feel of the great shade of cloud cover, that's the best it always makes me feel happier. I have no clue as to what or why i am writing just writing to pass the time. What i would give to smell that sweet sent of the fresh cut grass and the dew just hanging on the short blades of the gorgeous grass on a slick green. The yellow flag waving in the gentle breeze that signifies the extra challenge of the course. To be on that tee box anticipating the drive, and knowing clearly all the while that once i get up to that tee, into the stance, club in hand, and eyes on the ball i will severely screw it up. The only peace that is offered at that moment is the quiet chirping of the birds. After hitting the ball, chasing after it, all the while wondering who on earth invented such an incredibly strange sport, that so invitingly intoxicates all of us in to that strange world. Continuing on to the next awaited moment to hit that little dimple filled ball straight, and hopefully towards the green in which i will hopefully finish off by a masterful putt into the little round cup. Then slowly i wake up to reality i am not a skilled golfer i just play for fun, and how could i even ever imagine myself becoming something worth talking about. Leave that stuff for the pros. About my 5th hit to the green i begin to laugh at myself, why the crap do i put myself through this inevitable torture? Do i like the inflicted pain of failure? Nah, i think its just the anticipation of that very next "good shot" that just keeps you coming back for more like a drug that you have to have. I giggle softly to myself as i hear the goofy words of "quiet on the galley" ring through my ears i step up to the ball to putt it softly into the hole well not to softly since its about oh, a good 20 ft putt. Slowly it takes off then it begins to roll just a little faster on the downward spiral to the cup it begins to turn just the right amount, and the gorgeous sound emerges as it hits the bottom of the cup with a soft "clap". Nice, why can't i just successfully do that all the time.

Humph...

I must say that actually being single right now has been nice. I can just freely spend time with whomever i want whenever i want. I am just very tired from doing all that fun. Lol. Tonight will be a nice night though i get to spend it at home just kicking back and relaxing just the way i like it. :) I am looking forward to another trip around the world though i am itching to go some where and i can't quite figure out where right now... ha. As for the Lord I love Him more than anything and I am enjoying the time i get to spend praying and talking to Him through out the day. Sometimes i just get sick of the everyday going to church and being around constant people trying to make it seem like things are all good and happy go lucky. I just need my time sometimes that sounds prideful, but i just get sick of pretending to be good. I am who i am a sinner and i will always have sin in my life. Its how you deal with that sin that makes you who you are. I am happy to say i have some of the greatest friends in my life right now that have been supportive and have been there to encourage me throughout just the struggles within myself. *shout out to Lauren your the greatest love yah* Vacation time again yet??? Man i wish it was... but i get to go to the beach this weekend for my mom's birthday how cool is that gonna be..??? ok peace....

Accomplishment

You know that feeling when you have just finished a big project, or got rid of something out of your life that was driving you absolutely nuts? Well i got to have that big amazing feeling this weekend. I got my room painted finally in almost eakk... too long not even going to list the years. I am feeling very exhausted from all the work, and my back is a bit sore. As of now due to one of my dear friends i have a fish in my room. Its a beta but a very pretty one i am not a big fan of betas the only good thing is they are so easy to care for all i have to do is make sure its tank doesn't get too dirty and it gets food. I went to an Angels game last night :) they won!!!! OH ya. Now i am sitting at work about to pass out from lack of sleep. Anyways. good times...

Thoughts just Thoughts

Today was an interesting day. I started to have a break down. So many of my friends are back in school and are all excited or mixed feelings. I can't help, but keep thinking back on my years in highschool. Terrible to think i miss those times, but i truly do. I only wish i could have figured out back then a little more what i may have wanted to do with my life. I think i will be looking into joining the Coast Guard. I have always wanted to do something so badly in the field like that just couldn't figure out which one and I will research and over analize as i always do before i will even sign or jump into that. I have been praying like crazy to see what God says about that idea. I am just frustrated that i am 23 and still stuck in a deadend job and just not knowing where i want to go with my life. I am finally feeling free with the friends i have around me, and thank God for them with out them i know i would be falling. I am still staying strong not fearing the future truly because i know whatever it is God has it written out for me. Work has been killing my shoulders from the stress this is just getting rediculous. Anyways. I will write again later.

Poem

Sitting still
watching,
waiting,
resting,
wanting.

Listening closely
breathing,
rustling,
trickling.

Staring intently
seeing,
observing,
memorising.

Today.... Blah....

I don't even know where to begin maybe when i woke up? I woke up for work and didn't want to go. I knew for some reason this day was going to kick my butt. My bosses are all on edge i feel their stress and the rest of this crew here is feeling the same. We had to get rid of our security guard because we couldn't afford it here. It's busy to the point that we need one more person, but the problem is we aren't making the numbers that we need to in order to hire someone new. Its just been a killer one.

Yesterday for some strange reason i was in such a funk when i got home from watching the kids that i didn't even feel like moving. I washed my dog and found a way to take a shower eat dinner watch a movie and crash i was burnt out. And through all that i forgot to send a message to my Aunty one of the most important people in my life ha what a retard i am. She then labled me a "flake" this morning which sorta stung really hard to my heart. I guess i just don't get it. I try my best to follow through on things and make sure i communicate but sometimes when things are crazy i just forget.

I am trying to keep my head up and above water ha not working as well as i would have liked. I am so tired right now as i sit at work and stare into space. I am done with everything for now. We have closing tomorrow so i know that i need to make sure that we are ready. Just bla.....

Then to top off everything found out that last nights lovely display of hellicopters flying around my house was the police looking for some gang member who tried to rob someone in the Grace Church parking lot which is not far from my house at all. The person who was getting robbed tried to flee from the robbers headed towards the fountain that is in the court yard and was shot in the ankle. Nice just more excitement in my neighborhood to make me feel even safer HAHAH not! So when do i get to move out of this state and this city? Hopefully soon.. I am losing it muahahahhahhahh.

Anyways enough with this rediculousness....

Just bloggin... nothing in particular.

Just feeling a little sleepy today. I woke up entirely late today I went to the harvest crusade... good times. Anyways i know one thing i am ready for a nice long short vacation... haha that made so much sense. Anyways i am so tired of work being slow then being super busy to the point that no one can get anything done it makes life so killer over here and stressful. Ok now i have to get back to work....

I am laying here wide awake. It has been a long day from work. I came home and knocked out feel asleep till like 8pm.

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Haha we are cheesy as usual... Tyler and I posing at Christie's wedding we always have to take these random photos together just cus that's how we roll... It was a good day.... We were both very tired and ready to pass out about then. I only had like 4 hours of sleep or so and well i am not sure how many he had but i know he was dragging as well...

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Holly and I at Christie's wedding it's always tradition for her and i to take a picture together when we are at a gathering. Its funny how that started. It began at one of Christie's birthday parties if i am not mistaken.... and well it has just snowballed from there. Holly has such a big heart i love being her friend. :) She has encouraged me alot this past weekend i was really struggling with that fact that i have given up my ex to the Lord and that i am single. I am feeling more and more ready with this move on to move on lol. It's been a difficult road, but one that i know will grow me further into who ever it is i am supposed to be. Also it is preparing me for the guy that God has ready and waiting for me who ever he is....

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Haha this was from Christina's Wedding on Saturday this is Daniela and I. I will be posting a few more just for fun. Then i will finish the blog out later about the whole dealio....

Stagnant

Currently i am sitting at my desk right now just watching all of the employees run around busing themselves with whatever cares they have and whatever they are supposed to be doing. I am so exhausted right now. I am not able to fall asleep at night as quickly as i would like and i am waking up very tired. I am not getting deep enough sleep. I am not sure why. I have checked to make sure my diet is not bad right now and i have been forcing myself to eat better. I just feel so burnt out no matter what it is i do. Even if I got to bed super early i still wake up feeling unrested. If i wake up any time after 7 am i am not as tired for some odd reason. I think my deep sleep patterns are off right now....hard part is my job has me getting to work at 7 am everyday accept Fridays i get to be in at 8 am . I am starting to believe that if i were to be in at 8 am everyday my sleep would be better. Today isn't as bad as yesterday at work plus maybe my attitude about it is a bit different. I am just doing my thing and working through whatever comes my way knowing that the Lord is on my side and there is nothing else i can do... Well it's almost lunch time for me my recess from work WOOOOO WHOOO lol....

Patience

Today at work was very challenging with my boss who has got to be the crazist person i know. One minute it seems like everything is going well and he is relaxed and then there is this time where things get a little busy and he flips out insanely. Its been really difficult to be patient with him, and no matter how many times i remind him he has a good team to back him up he doesn't get it. He makes life so miserable for all of us who work for him, and he wonders why we all don't bend over backwards for him. The man has not taken a vacation in almost 10 years since he started being the manager at this store. One time when he was on his way to go on a cruise he received a phone call from a customer and told his family that work was more important and left them to go on the cruise and he went back to work. Leavin his family i mean come on now....when you go on a vacation you leave your phone off and your work behind you nothing unless the store is burning down is imporant enough to leave your family on a trip.... That to me shows how selfish that some people can be and how money and making money is more important than family to some people. How dare someone leave their family for work... that is just plain rediculous. I am so frustrated with how someone can treat and not trust their crew... the way my boss does.... Anyways that's enough for now... off to read..

Nascar Race

Super fun day today.... worked hard and then came home lazied around by napping... needed the nap... then i got to wake up and drive down to Irwindale.... where i got to see a nascar race. I got news for you seeing all of that was incredible. I had so much fun. I enjoy so much doing things like that being able to see a nascar race go bike ridding go hiking or just have fun with friends. I am very much looking forward to going to church tomorrow and possibly spending some time with an old friend. Well its off to sleep for me.

It hurts knowing you have broken off a long relationship. In his email to me he questioned if how it was so easy for me to not even show any feelings. Funny he has no clue how tough it is for me to do what i did. It hurts me to hurt him because i truly did love him, and the truth is we never really get over someone. We will always have a special place for them in our heart. I have to be in constant prayer to feel better about my decision because it was so hard. Only those who have cut off a relationship can truly feel what i feel. Christ understands the most though because he became a man and can feel and know our pain. It will be a constant struggle for me for a while... But in the end i know God will guide me through.

Moving Forward

This is a start of a new blog for me. I figured it was time to get to it and blog alot more. Yah now i even added the lovely phone bloggin part haha great... i am turning into all those crazy people who have to know what is going on in every one's lives... I got news for you though i won't subdue myself to being insane and getting a Twitter.... as for the rest of my weirdness its time to just take time and blog.
I just broke up with Celvin for good. Many of you guys have been through these trials with me and know what i have gone through, but i think i need to just write it all down so i can put it aside and move forward.
I know that things took a turn for the worst after we broke up for the second time... I ended up dating someone else and that started the whole issue. Truthfully Celvin and I are just two different people. I am a very out going, crazy, fun loving person, and I love to be involved in church and it kills me to not be able to do that. I could truthfully go live in another country sharing the gospel living everyday on the graces of Christ providing for me. He is the type of person that will try to achieve everything he possibly can in life to have anything he wants.
Our friends are not similar at all as well. He told me recently that his friends don't like me... and i tend to ask myself how is that possible when i barely even know them. They seem to take my personality wrong which i myself know is very possible and common. My friends as well don't seem to understand him or get along with him and he tells me he doesn't like my friends either... So all in all its just not gonna work.
I am the girl that likes to be outdoors, possibly always doing something, spending time with friends and family, and just all around a goofball. He on the other hand loves to work alot and loves to play video games.
Right now i know it hurts this whole situation is painful and weird but i know it will only get better once i learn to get past this... I know i have some amazing people around me right now... some part of "the commune" and some just old time friends and the best human friend ever my mom. I also have a friend in my Lord and Savior what more could i ask for right?
Well it is now time for me to get back to working and i will blog more later...